In Kintsugi, if a potter insists, "The clay must not crack," they will be paralyzed. Clay cracks. It shifts in the kiln. It is the nature of the material.
Our lives are the same. Yet we walk around with a mental rulebook that reality never agreed to sign:
- "I should be further ahead in my career by now."
- "They must treat me with respect."
- "I have to succeed, or I am a failure."
Albert Ellis, the founder of REBT, famously called this "Musterbation"—the rigid insistence that the universe must conform to our wishes.
The Three Tyrannical "Musts"
Ellis identified three core demands that create almost all emotional disturbance:
The Source of Suffering
- Self-Demands: "I MUST do well and win approval, or I am no good." (Leads to anxiety/depression).
- Other-Demands: "You MUST treat me kindly and fairly, or you are rotten." (Leads to anger/rage).
- World-Demands: "Life MUST be easy and give me what I want, or it is terrible." (Leads to self-pity/addiction).
From Demand to Preference
This isn't about passivity. It's not saying "I don't care if people treat me badly." It's saying "I care very much, but I accept that they have free will and might not do what I want."
When we downgrade a Demand to a Preference, we keep the motivation but lose the anxiety.
"My partner should know what I need without me asking."
→ "I would really prefer if they knew, but mind-reading isn't real. If I want a need met, I'll need to communicate."
"I shouldn't feel this sad."
→ "I wish I felt happier, but sadness is my current reality. Fighting it only makes it stay longer."
"Traffic shouldn't be this bad!"
→ "I hate this traffic. It's frustrating. But shouting 'shouldn't' won't move the cars."
Exercise: The Vocabulary Swap
For the next 24 hours, catch your "Shoulds" and replace them with "Preferences."
- Catch: Notice the tension in your body when you think "He should..." or "I have to..."
- Pause: Acknowledge the demand.
- Swap:
- "Should" → "Would prefer"
- "Must" → "It would be better if"
- "Have to" → "Choose to"
The Paradox of Acceptance
In Kintsugi, you cannot apply the gold lacquer until you accept that the bowl is broken. If you spend your time arguing that the bowl "shouldn't" be broken, you never heal it.
Accepting "what is" is the prerequisite for changing "what will be."
Audit Your "Shoulds"
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